Also, sometimes dogs catch frisbees

You’re never supposed to punish a dog for something he’s done more than a couple minutes earlier, since his event-memory is only about five-minutes. No matter how mad you are, it’s pointless to flip out, because he’ll just look at you, head cocked to the side, with that big, dopey “can I have a sandwich?” look on his face wondering why you’re all huffy. Unfortunate, but it’s just the way it is.

So, like most states, we got caught up in the whole gay marriage issue during the last election cycle. It was a tough one, because it’s a valid issue, but was also obviously intentional distractions from the real, and more complicated issues.

Don’t worry – they connect. I’m going somewhere with this.

Bush’s dad did something similar, with the whole flag-burning issue – proposing a constitutional amendment banning the burning of the American flag, or wearing it in a disrespectful manner (shirt = patriot!; pants = hippie fag anarchist!; oversized top hat + stilts = delightful parade Uncle Sam!; oversized top hat – stilts = raver; etc.). The rallying cry of the Neo-Con, Protect Marriage crowd was that homosexuals should be allowed to have civil unions, but marriage?! How dare these people try to desecrate the institution founded on the premise of women as property!?! Everyone knows that homosexuals can’t be monogamous. So, two days after the election (literally), on this issue, which for many thousands upon thousands of people was the deciding issue, Bush said, “Oh, by the way, the banning gay marriage thing? Yeah, we’re not going to do that. Really, I’d love to, but you know, that Social Security isn’t going to dismantle itself!”

So now it’s left to the states to decide. The problem is that banning gay-marriage is unconstitutional, because it’s mandating discrimination. Many people didn’t understand that it didn’t have to be legalized, it already was, and it was just that no one had ever pushed the issue. Anyway, so a few months after the electiona Republican in Oregon submits a bill to recognize civil unions. After all, it’s what the Neo-Cons and the Republicans Party (official motto: “Fuck you.”) said they wanted, right?! Hahaha! Sucker!!!

He’s been assaulted with thousands of letters and emails accusing him of everything from treason to buggery. Often with rampant misspellings, I might add with a snobbish wink, and very often with parroted buzz-phrases lifted from talk radio. The essential message is how dare he betray the wishes of the Republican Party, that we can’t grant “special rights” to these people (Apparently all heterosexuals are special. Yay! I’m special!), and that if we do grant them civic unions, instead of visiting each other in hospitals after-hours, inheriting life-partners’ property and having legal rights, this will lead to rampant public sodomy, mandatory “Be Gay” classes and assemblies in school, and maybe even (shudder) men holding hands in public. IN PUBLIC, PEOPLE.

Now, this may seem, at the outset, just a skosh hypocritical. But when psychologists are trying to quantify intelligence, one of the key aspects is the subject’s ability to conceive of “later” or “earlier.” Willfully delaying gratification (“Maybe I’ll save some Halloween candy for later”), or using part events as guides for future behavior (“When I ate all my Halloween candy at once, I went into a sugar-frenzy and killed my neighbor. Also I got an upset tummy. Maybe I won’t do that again.”). Obviously, the mass of this crowd is astonishingly unintelligent and perhaps we should look in to the idea – like dogs – that they are physiologically unable to remember what happened a couple months ago. It would also explain people’s belief that Saddam Hussein attacked us on 9/11 (or, well, ever).

Now – and this is important – I’m not saying neo-cons are dogs. I’m saying they’re dumber than dogs. Yes, even shih-tzus. And those things are dumb. After all, dogs are loyal, often selfless and if they pee all over you, it’s generally on accident. To be fair, Neo-Cons are well known for not shedding excessively, and they never, ever have gas (gas is a sin).

Using a little Aristotelian Syllogism, the next step is obvious. Neo-Cons need, for their own protection, to be leashed, bred for desirable tendencies, and please, for God’s sake, Byron reminds you to spay and neuter your Neo-Cons.