7.07.2005

Stop the Madness!

A very sad, but I suppose inevitable, break up awaits me on Saturday. We’ve been together, God, has it really been sixteen years? These things happen, I suppose. It’s for the best, and I actually look forward to my new-found freedom, but there’s always a touch of sadness. Also, it’s hard to be told you’re the most important person in the world, that every interest and want and wish you have is so fascinating, so interesting and important, then – suddenly – be told that you’re as good as dead. That you’re just not as desirable as you once were – past your prime. That you are worthless.

This Saturday is my birthday. My 35th birthday. It’s a big one for many reasons but perhaps the most important, is that on Saturday I leave the coveted, primary advertising 18-34 year-old male target demographic. They don’t make cards for that, one, brothers and sisters.

Oh, Advertising, we had some good times, didn’t we? It’s hard to remember through all the anger, the terrible things I’ve said about you, through the lies and deception. Remember when you tried to convince me that Pepsi One was a manly, Gen-X hipster diet cola? It was kind of fun, but when you made Cuba Gooding jr. the spokesman I knew it was just bullshit – you weren’t even really trying, just going through the motions. Then there was the time you tricked me into buying a faux-vintage T-shirt. That was just mean. But there were the laughs, the times it really felt like you were talking just to me, like making me happy was the one thing you wanted most in the whole world.

But, as we part ways, I have to tell you a couple things. I owe you that much: to be honest. Advertising, you have problems. Serious emotional problems. I worry for you and for the people in your life, which is, well, everybody.
1) You’re obsessively there. You’ve got to give people space! We’re not going anywhere, just back off sometimes! There are whole think-tanks devoted to, what’s referred to as, ‘The Last Thirty Feet’. The average American’s car is thirty feet from his front door and this walk is the only time during the entire waking day that he is not exposed to advertising. And you regard this as a problem! You’re everywhere all the time, doing your little parlor tricks to get our attention! Getting angry if we don’t respond each and every time!

2) You’re too controlling. You’re not trying to make people happy, you’re trying to make them want what you want to give. That’s fucked up.

3)You think we’re stupid. Admit it. You have no real respect for us, it’s all about manipulation and talking down to us. Don’t deny it to try and make me feel better. I realize that it works most of the time, but that’s no excuse. You’ve got young men wearing their pants down below their asses, making them walk around looking and acting like they’re mentally retarded. Does that make you feel big and important?

4)You’re not funny. You think you are, and occasionally you’re good for a chuckle, but, God, once you say something mildly amusing you repeat it and repeat it and repeat it like it’s the holy grail of jokes.

But my biggest concern is one that you’re going to have to grow a little emotionally before you can do anything about, frankly. You’re destroying the people you claim to love. You’re stripping people of their identities, dulling their interests and homogenizing their dreams. You are spiritually killing the ones around you. You are mentally abusive. There, I said it. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. We deserve better. Maybe there’s a better form of advertising, waiting for us, somewhere out there. But we’re never going to find it until we learn to be happy on our own again. Maybe it will be you, if you can truly grow and evolve.

I’m saying this to you for our sake, yes, but also for your own. You don’t want to look back on your life and see only the pain you’ve caused, do you? I’m saying this to you today, not to be hurtful in our final hours together, but because for the next two days you still claim to care about what I think. But then, that’s why we’re splitting up, isn’t it? Because inevitably people get tired of your bullshit, of your lies and your abuse. But there’s always someone younger, more naïve, desperate for an identity to make you feel important and powerful.
You think you’re breaking up with me? Don’t kid yourself, Advertising. You lost me a long time ago; I just hadn't found the words to tell you.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This one is one of your funniest ones I'd have to say. Its clever, I like it. I really like many of your other ones too, your most recent is my favorite one I think, but it is hard to choose. Good taste in books too. You seem like a very interesting person... Are you? It is hard to figure you out with just these blogs, not that I'm trying to figure you out or anything. But you seem like the kind of person I would like to try and figure out.

1:15 AM  

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