The Labyrinth's New Manager

So, why the long break, you ask? Oh, let’s not get in to it. No, really, I don’t want to talk about it.

I mean it.

Okay, fine, you persistent minx, you! The break was largely because of two things: one, every time I heard or read or saw a reference to “blog” it was in some quasi-creepy/depressing trendy sense and it made me step back a bit, but more so was number two: I messed it up for myself. One of the reasons for starting the site was that it can become exhausting teaching and being in “teacher-mode” and it gradually consumes your identity and you become this morally rigid, secular-evangelist. So, the blog was a way to write in a forum in which I could actually be myself, and remind myself who that is. Also, writing is the thread that guides my personal Theseus back out of the maze.

What do you mean ‘what do I mean’? Theseus? Went in to the labyrinth to slay the minotaur? Found his way out by stringing a cord behind him? It’s all a big metaphor for the way we have to go into our own minds and battle our personal demons. Writing is my cord for finding my way out when my mind has become a labyrinth and I don’t even know myself anymore. Don’t know what I mean? Look at some of the entries from last spring – there’s some depressed, depressed shit there.

Anyway… You see, because I’m a doof who just looooooves attention and approval, I mentioned the site to a couple of my students, which is in and of itself fine and great. But a couple of other students found out and used the site to vent their, apparently, substantial dislike for me. Since I knew who they were, and knew they were students, I had to respond as a teacher, not as a person. When a student says something childish, cruel and horrible to a teacher, he has to recognize that this is a person still developing, who depending on his or her personal biochemistry has varying degrees of understanding of ‘other people’, and who, above all else, you dare not adversely affect the precious precious precious self-esteem. You either ignore the comment or respond constructively. A person, on the other hand, gets to just say “fuck you, too.” This then led to self-censoring in writing, because if students are reading regularly eventually you get concerned about how much you reveal and more importantly, if students who dislike you are reading, you don’t even want to talk about things honestly or sincerely. You don’t dare reveal human weakness or truth (this is why many teachers seem so bland and insincere after a few years). Soon, much of the purpose, and all of the fun, had been sucked out of the process.

This isn’t to say I don’t want to hear any negative feedback (although I have to admit I do more enjoy the feedback of the “Wow, you’re so great and smart and funny, please please have sex with me” variety), I just would prefer it wasn’t of the personal grudge type.

So…

Why start again now? Because I miss the forum. Because it’s fun. Because students who were using it as a staging ground for some silly personal battle have hopefully moved on.

It’s the grand re-opening. If you were here I’d give you a balloon and a hot dog. I’d hang out an “Under New Management” banner, even though it’s not true. Speaking of which, has anyone ever, in the history of everything, ever one gone somewhere because it was under new management? I mean, unless this new manager was your daughter, or something. Because, mostly, who cares? “Hey, Becky! Let’s head us on down to the Dairy Queen and meet the new manager! I’d like to hear her thoughts on Dilly bars!”

Anyway, here we are again.