Proposal for Increasing Federal Wetland Acreage in 2007

Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton announced recently that the Bush White House has increased the total acreage of U.S. wetlands by approximately 191,800 acres. This has been accomplished in large part by redefining the criteria of being a “wetland” to include, among other things, water hazards in golf courses.

In the fifty years that the U.S. government has been tracking, and attempting to preserve, wetlands, not once has anyone been able to hold steady, much less increase, the acreage of wetlands. Until now. President George W. Bush has accomplished this incredible goal in spite of nay-saying environmentalists (who, it is worth noting, have not increased the net acreage of protected wetlands at all. Losers.) while at the same time having a job that I can only describe as being ‘hard work.’ Kudos. Kudos!

The trick, it turns out, is not to waste time trying to “save” dirty, old, asymmetrical wetlands that have a bunch of – forgive the indelicacy – excrement in them, much as the love-sick will attempt to “save” a shiftless sponge. In a testimony to positive thinking, the Bush administration simply found new, better wetlands, some of which help the economy by providing tax breaks to the wealthy so they drop everything and rush out to buy products and services and create jobs for the poor.

Thus inspired, I submit the following for inclusion as federally protected wetlands:

1. The beach (high-tide).
I can’t believe we’ve missed this one for so long. When the tide is in the amount of shallow water increases around forty feet laterally, and for what can only be described as “a really long way”. If there is any doubt that this fails to meet the criteria for wetland, I submit a quick visual appraisal – I believe you’ll notice, oh what are those? Birds? Sitting? Yes, birds! Tons of them!
Approximate acreage gained: 15 million acres (estimate based on sense of bigness of the beach combined with equivalent sense of 15 million being a very big number).

2. Indoor swimming pools (privately owned, only).
Now we’re talking environment, economy and property values. Trifecta! The birds stop and rest in a private pool, protected from the elements and predators. The pools are heated, clean and there may even be a Jacuzzi to take the autumnal migration chill off. The envy of the wetland-hopping crowd. Extra tax breaks will be afforded to indoor pool rooms who keep a large-screen plasma television tuned to Animal Planet at least 50.1% of the time. And, oh, what the hell, we’ll make pool tables tax deductible for having the word “pool” in them, thus increasing Wetland awareness.
Approximate acreage gained: 78,000 acres.

3. My backyard.
My dog is something of a digger. Ordinarily I fill these holes in with mulch and profanity but, inspired by the administration, I would be willing, with proper government funding, to fill them with water. I would also allow a natural environment to develop by stopping all mowing and pruning. This promise would extend to any property turned over to me – eminent domain? – like my neighbors lot. I think this would make a terrific wetland, and am quite sure it would provide a very real economic boost to at least one person.
Approximate acreage gained: Amount to be determined, depending on administration commitment, and dog’s persistence in digging.

4. Mars.
Follow me here. Global warming is definitely happening. But, as study after study has shown (well…one. Part of one.), it definitely isn’t our fault. This means there must be some other factor. An external factor. Logically, if our planet is warming, and it isn’t our fault, all the planets must be warming. Mars has those ice caps, which are then, logically, going to melt any day now. Wetlands ahoy! Admittedly, Mars is not on the regular migratory route for many birds, but is not extinction the price of failure to adapt?
Approximate acreage gained: 1 gajillion.

5. The God-damned clogged sink in the bathroom.
Because that shallow body of water ain’t going anywhere soon.
Approximate acreage gained: 1 (rounded to the nearest acre).


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I do love your dry humor/wit. It positively arouses me, Mr. Byron!!! Keep it coming!!

10:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Greetings! This is my 1st comment here so I just
wanted to give a quick shout out and tell you I truly enjoy reading through your posts.
Can you recommend any other blogs/websites/forums that go over the same subjects?
Thanks a ton!

Feel free to visit my site - Sac Louis Vuitton Pas Cher

8:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you ever considered about including a little bit more than just
your articles? I mean, what you say is valuable and
all. But think about if you added some great
photos or videos to give your posts more, "pop"! Your
content is excellent but with images and videos, this site could definitely be one of the most beneficial in its
niche. Fantastic blog!

My webpage: Full Report

6:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, Neat post. There's an issue along with your website in web explorer, could test this? IE nonetheless is the marketplace leader and a big part of other folks will pass over your wonderful writing because of this problem.

Have a look at my page ... continue (http://gamesquare.de/wiki/index.php/Benutzer:JoeyD43)

1:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your means of explaining the whole thing in this paragraph is truly good,
every one can easily understand it, Thanks a lot.

Also visit my blog post Get More Information

1:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What's up Dear, are you in fact visiting this web page daily, if so afterward you will definitely obtain pleasant knowledge.

My site - Nike Pas Cher

7:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We're a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your website provided us with valuable info to work on. You have done a formidable job and our whole community will be thankful to you.

Here is my web-site ... Cheap Louis Vuitton Bags

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My partner and I stumbled over here by a different page and thought I
might as well check things out. I like what I see so now i'm following you. Look forward to looking at your web page again.

Review my blog: Oakley Frogskins

9:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What's up i am kavin, its my first time to commenting anywhere, when i read this paragraph i thought i could also make comment due to this sensible piece of writing.

Review my weblog :: check this out

1:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's really very complex in this full of activity life to listen news on Television, so I simply use world wide web for that purpose, and get the latest news.

My website :: Nike Air Max

3:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi my loved one! I wish to say that this post is awesome, nice written
and come with approximately all vital infos. I would like to
peer extra posts like this .

Also visit my blog; Air Max Femme

4:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, amazing blog layout! How lengthy have you been running
a blog for? you made blogging glance easy. The overall look of your web site is great, as
smartly as the content material!

Visit my site - Air Jordan Pas Cher :: overuc.com :

5:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm amazed, I must say. Rarely do I come across a blog that's both equally educative and entertaining, and
let me tell you, you've hit the nail on the head. The issue is something that too few folks are speaking intelligently about. I'm very happy
I found this during my hunt for something regarding this.

Here is my web blog - Nike Air Max [http://www.whatsot.com]

6:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good.
I do not know who you are but certainly you are going to
a famous blogger if you are not already ;) Cheers!

Also visit my webpage: Mulberry Outlet UK

12:20 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home